I don’t worry as much anymore when I’m not next to him.
I can live a few hours a day without that constant fear.
And sometimes I wonder: is that okay?
He’s one year old now, and I’m no longer afraid that he isn’t breathing, that he’s hungry or thirsty exactly when I’m not there, or that something is wrong and only I would understand it and know how to fix it.
Now he shows us. He tells us. He explains.
I noticed it for the first time on an ordinary day.
I went out for lunch and some household shopping with a friend and… I didn’t check the camera for two hours.
When I finally did, he was with Maria (his nanny), playing beautifully and laughing.
On another day, he was sleeping and I didn’t even realize it was already 3:30.
On another day, he was eating.
And I realized that I can relax my mind a little, separately from my body.
That’s new.
I hadn’t felt that in a year.
At first, I felt guilty.
Am I already eager to leave the house?
Was that it? Did it take me just one year?
Am I becoming the person I run from the most?
Will I stop caring at all when he turns two?
Two weeks passed, and I realized that three hours a day, when I’m away not for work, but just to see a friend or go out to eat with my husband, are not a reason for guilt.
I looked closely at myself and I still spend just as much time with him during the day.
We play just as much. We interact just as much.
The difference is that I can do more with him when my batteries are charged and I no longer feel constant exhaustion.
Psychologically, I mean.
Physically… that part still takes time.
I feel like I’m slowly getting my identity back.
The one he will love, and the one that will be an example for him.
I feel that, for us, the quality of the time we spend together matters more than the quantity.
I would rather have Maria fully present for two hours, then me, then his father,
than be physically glued to him but absent.
I keep paying attention to myself.
But guilt in mothers seems to appear out of anything.
I don’t think a turtle feels guilty. 🙂
